The place where inner writing demons come out to play most in my mind is when I attempt to revise. A good friend/poet, Bob Stallworthy calls it “re-vision.” Many of my poems have sat ignored in drawers after the first or second draft from hearing the constant drone of “I am not good at this.” Despite how Bob offered me a way of re-naming the act of editing, I still sit down and dread moving on to the next draft. However, I am getting better.
When I was tutoring a high school student last week, I asked her to write me a creative piece about the love between two inanimate objects in the room. She could barely touch her pen to paper and she had a sheepish grin on her face. “Where are you stuck?” I asked her. She replied that she didn’t know if what she was about to write would be good enough. I told her to tell me what she was thinking and she said she was thinking that the love between the bookshelf and the table was like a Taylor Swift song. She continued on to tell me that the love between these inanimate objects was sad because although they were always close to each other, they could never actually tough. Furthermore, she said they had to bear the pain of watching people express their love all day through affection. I thought this was brilliantly creative! So what had stopped her before she even allowed her pen to touch the page?
I have often wondered if having our writing is evaluated in school is where it all begins. Seeing red scratches on the page and grade levels is stressful and sends the message that how our thoughts are conveyed is prone to criticism. People talk about writers in polarized terms of “good” and “bad.” My student is clearly a victim of this. The fact that she saw me as someone who was better than her at writing, caused her to freeze up for fear that I would see it. The fear that I may have judged her. I’ve been there many times. In fact, it took me three years to work up enough courage to take an English class in University. From what I had experienced in high school, I had received the message that I couldn’t write essays. I carried this message with me to University and it wasn’t until a professor who taught me upgrading showed me a different way to write them. Even then, I believed that I was not good enough to be at the level the University expected me to be for essay writing. It wasn’t until my interest outweighed my fear that I took an English class. After that, I was hooked and I switched my major.
How many writers never make it past the high school mentality of being evaluated? Everything counts for something, including first drafts. In the real world though, there is more freedom with first drafts. First drafts can become eighteen drafts. I believe it was Yeats, who wasn’t satisfied with one of his poems and it took him ten years and countless drafts before it reached the masses. I have made a commitment to myself to not let my first drafts sit idly in my poetry folder. I have made a commitment to set aside some time once a week for “re-visioning.” I create space to let the poem speak to me in a different way. To tell me whether this line is needed or give me clarity on the central image. Some days are harder than others. I remind myself that I am my own creative authority and there is no judges peering over my shoulder. I wish the same for you. First drafts are just that, first drafts. Honour your thoughts, your self and your birthright by being gentle with yourself and your creative side. Writing is a process, try to clear your mind of the final destination.
~Samantha
